Wednesday, May 13, 2009


New Pledge of Allegiance (TOTALLY AWESOME) !!!
Since the Pledge of Allegiance & The Lord's Prayer
are not allowed in most public schools anymore,
because the word 'God' is mentioned....
A kid in Geelong.. Victoria, wrote the attached:-
NEW School prayer :
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense - it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take !!!

Sunday, April 12, 2009


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
Mrs. Sanders, please."


Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from
another Mr.Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your
husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimers and the other one tested
positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husbands."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I suppose to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

With Love From Me To You

With Love From Me To You
Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
by Pam Ayres.

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning,
It's natures revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing,
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe.
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

Thursday, March 26, 2009


A man and woman who had never met before, but who were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrased and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying............'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket, I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight...... let's pretend that we're married'.
' WOW!......... that's a great idea !' he exclaimed.
'Good', she replied.......... 'Get your own f%*king blanket.'
After a moment of silence,............ he farted.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Is this God.... long but please read, you'll be suprised.

It was one of the hottest days of the dry season.
We had not seen rain in almost a month.
The crops were dying. Cows had stopped giving milk.
The creeks and streams were long gone back into the earth.
It was a dry season that would bankrupt several farmers before it was through.
Every day, my husband and his brothers would go about the arduous process of trying to get water to the fields. Lately this process had involved taking a truck to the local water rendering plant and filling it up with water.
But severe rationing had cut everyone off.
If we Didn’t see some rain soon...we would lose everything.
It was on this day that I learned the true lesson of sharing and witnessed the only miracle I have seen with my own eyes.
I was in the kitchen making lunch for my husband and his brothers when I saw my Six-year-old son, Billy, walking toward the woods.
He wasn't walking with the usual carefree abandon of a youth but with a serious purpose. I could only see his back.
He was obviously walking with a great effort ... trying to be as still as possible. Minutes after he disappeared into the woods, he came running out again, toward the house.
I went back to making sandwiches; thinking that whatever task he had been doing was completed.
Moments later, however, he was once again walking in that slow purposeful stride toward the woods.
This activity went on for an hour: walking carefully to the woods, running back to the house.
Finally I couldn't take it any longer and I crept out of the house and followed him on his journey (being very careful not to be he was obviously doing important work and didn't need his Mommy checking up on him).
He was cupping both hands in front of him as he walked, being very careful not to spill the water he held in them ... maybe two or three tablespoons were held in his tiny hands.
I sneaked close as he went into the woods. Branches and thorns slapped his little face, but he did not try to avoid them.
He had a much higher purpose. As I leaned in to spy on him, I saw the most amazing site.
Several large deer loomed in front of him. Billy walked right up to them. I almost screamed for him to get away. A huge buck with elaborate antlers was dangerously close.
But the buck did not threaten him...he didn't even move as Billy knelt down.
And I saw a tiny fawn lying on the ground; obviously suffering from dehydration and heat exhaustion, lift its head with great effort to lap up the water cupped in my beautiful boy's hand.
When the water was gone, Billy jumped up to run back to the house and I hid behind a tree.
I followed him back to the house to a spigot to which we had shut off the water.
Billy opened it all the way up and a small trickle began to creep out.
He knelt there, letting the drip, drip slowly fill up his makeshift "cup," as the sun beat down on his little back. And it came clear to me: The trouble he had gotten into for playing with the hose the week before.
The lecture he had received about the importance of not wasting water.
The reason he didn't ask me to help him.
It took almost twenty minutes for the drops to fill his hands. When he stood up and began the trek back, I was there in front of him. His little eyes just filled with tears. "I'm not wasting," was all he said. As he began his walk, I joined him...with a small pot of water from the kitchen.
I let him tend to the fawn. I stayed away. It was his job. I stood on the edge of the woods watching the most beautiful heart I have ever known working so hard to save another life.
As the tears that rolled down my face began to hit the ground, other drops...and more drops...and more suddenly joined them. I looked up at the sky.
It was as if God, himself, was weeping with pride.
Some will probably say that this was all just a huge coincidence.
Those miracles don't really exist.
That it was bound to rain sometime.
And I can't argue with that... I'm not going to try.
All I can say is that the rain that came that day saved our farm...just like the actions of one little boy saved another.
I don't know if anyone will read this...but I had to send it out.
To honor the memory of my beautiful Billy, who was taken from me much too soon... But not before showing me the true face of God, in a little, sunburned body.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great
anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled
down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her,
he replied...... " It's Lent ".
In tears, she sobbed, " Well, that is the most rediculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"


Bit of a bummer... The World in Brief.
A 48-year-old man dangled upside-down from a chairlift for 15 minutes without trousers and underpants at Vail, Colorado, after the fold-down seat was not in the correct lowered-down position. He fell through the gap as he got on the high-speed lift. Onlookers rushed to take mobile phone pictures of the man's posterior.

In Brief...
A GYM in London has replaced its dumbells with human weights... including midgets who
shout encouragement to motivate excercise. They introduced the bizarre regime with human
weights ranging from 155kg man to a 30kg female midget.
The human dumbbells wear black leotards with their weights printed across their chests.

IN BRIEF......
We were told a while back that a glass of wine a day was good for the heart... all the heart attack patients went on winery tours to find a nice glass of the grape to help strengthen their hearts.
WELL, now we are being told a SMALL glass of wine a day can more than DOUBLE the risk of cancer.. a study has claimed.
It says consuming one 125ml glass of wine increases the chance of developing mouth and throat cancer by 168%.
Small daily doses of alcohol were the most harmful.The cause is above all the transformation of ethanol in alcohol to acetaldehyde, which damages DNA....... oh well. another headache!!!

Monday, March 16, 2009


If you want to know how hot it got during the bushfires........
There are five chooks and they live in a chicken coop about 20m from the family home at Buxton.

The house burnt down in the fires, but the coop, survived, though the flames reached right up to the wire fence.
The chooks owner, Anne said, "Those five chooks kept laying, but the really incredible thing is that, when we cracked open the eggs, they were hard."

They had cooked in their shells!!

Saturday, March 14, 2009


We woke early, expecting another hot day, we had been experiencing for weeks, temp's in the high 30's, but today was going to be in the 40's and not being lovers of the heat and humidity, wasn't relishing the thought.

Rang my friend in Woori Yallock, (near Warburton Vic.) to wish her Happy Birthday, she and hubby intended to have a night out in Lilydale for dinner, that was never to be.

After hearing radio warnings etc, feared for my daughter and her family, who live at Castlemaine, reports of home loss near Bendigo, the way the fires were travelling, my brain was over-active.

A cousin living in Kilmore, phone calls to her mother in Healesville, hoping they were OK, yes they were activating their fire plan, animals brought in from the paddocks etc. They were safe as the wind had changed.

The numb feelings when hearing the reports of Marysville, Allan was born in Healesville, down the mountain, He worked with a lot of the old timers living in Marysville, played footy against them, country towns are mates for life.... Castella and Toolangi, neighbours... heart ache.

Then the following week, fears again of an inferno... this time Warburton down the mount... the friends in Woori Yallock have their fire plan in action again... Allans family in Healesville is ringed in fire, the smoke is thick, they have heart problems and experience trouble breathing if outside for tooo long, one sister had to leave and spent the night with in-laws.

Last Wednesday was the first time we could get down to visit, we drove through the mountain from Glenburn and Flowerdale, through Castella and Toolangi, the terrain was devastating,
it was always thick with ferns, old gums, all you could think was, the poor animals, then a house here and there that was saved..... that night while laying in bed, trying to sleep, all I could think off was how terrifying it would have been for those living 'it', the children, they will hold those sights for years to come.

Friday, March 13, 2009


My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
he decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The Childrens Bill of Rights.'
It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion'
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head.
And I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals,
like your mum did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
and it's illegal too!
Mum, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known
As 'C.S.D.'

Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let it go,
a smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.'
I've called and checked with C.S.D.
Who said they didn't care
if I brought you K-Mart shoes
instead of Nike Airs.
I've cancelled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best.'
I said 'No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own flaming lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
and wait 'til dinner time,
we're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.
He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tyres on my car.
I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat,
that allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike and roller blades,
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
it's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
why are you on your knees?
are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D...?
from a Mean Old MuM.


Have a history teacher explain this... if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846
John F Kennedy was elected to congress 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860
John F Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday,
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy,
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southeners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford".
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford".Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was with Marilyn Monroe........
C r e e p y E h.????
If you fold an American (new) $20 bill certain ways a simple geometric fold
creates a catastrophic premonition printed on all $20 bills!!
You will see;
1... the pentagon on fire.
2... the twin towers and then OSMA... it gets better..9+11= $20.
(the actual AP headline)
Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in the car with the windows rolled
up with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned
and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough
on the back of her head....
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of the head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until
someone noticed and came to her aid........Lisa is a blonde.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

How sad is this.. Worker dead at desk for five days...

from the New York Times.) Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed
that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for five days, before anyone asked if he was feeling OK. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof reader at a New York firm
for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.
He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was working during the weekend.
His boss said, "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything.
He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."
A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary.
George was proof-reading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.
You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.
The moral of the story... Don't work too hard...Nobody notices anyway.


For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected
with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot
to see whether he has won a taxi rego plate, convenience store, a service station, a kebab shop or a take away cafe in Australia.If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia.