Sunday, May 23, 2010

Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o ' clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they ' ve got no common sense,
"They won ' t go through a gateway but they ' ll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She ' d stay there ' til she carked it if he didn ' t get her out.
But when he reached the water ' s edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn ' t rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn ' t stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn ' t get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he ' d hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn ' t really think he ' d get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn ' t hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky ' s reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


New Pledge of Allegiance (TOTALLY AWESOME) !!!
Since the Pledge of Allegiance & The Lord's Prayer
are not allowed in most public schools anymore,
because the word 'God' is mentioned....
A kid in Geelong.. Victoria, wrote the attached:-
NEW School prayer :
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense - it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take !!!

Sunday, April 12, 2009


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
Mrs. Sanders, please."


Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from
another Mr.Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your
husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimers and the other one tested
positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husbands."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I suppose to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

With Love From Me To You

With Love From Me To You
Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
by Pam Ayres.

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning,
It's natures revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing,
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe.
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

Thursday, March 26, 2009


A man and woman who had never met before, but who were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrased and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying............'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket, I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight...... let's pretend that we're married'.
' WOW!......... that's a great idea !' he exclaimed.
'Good', she replied.......... 'Get your own f%*king blanket.'
After a moment of silence,............ he farted.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Is this God.... long but please read, you'll be suprised.

It was one of the hottest days of the dry season.
We had not seen rain in almost a month.
The crops were dying. Cows had stopped giving milk.
The creeks and streams were long gone back into the earth.
It was a dry season that would bankrupt several farmers before it was through.
Every day, my husband and his brothers would go about the arduous process of trying to get water to the fields. Lately this process had involved taking a truck to the local water rendering plant and filling it up with water.
But severe rationing had cut everyone off.
If we Didn’t see some rain soon...we would lose everything.
It was on this day that I learned the true lesson of sharing and witnessed the only miracle I have seen with my own eyes.
I was in the kitchen making lunch for my husband and his brothers when I saw my Six-year-old son, Billy, walking toward the woods.
He wasn't walking with the usual carefree abandon of a youth but with a serious purpose. I could only see his back.
He was obviously walking with a great effort ... trying to be as still as possible. Minutes after he disappeared into the woods, he came running out again, toward the house.
I went back to making sandwiches; thinking that whatever task he had been doing was completed.
Moments later, however, he was once again walking in that slow purposeful stride toward the woods.
This activity went on for an hour: walking carefully to the woods, running back to the house.
Finally I couldn't take it any longer and I crept out of the house and followed him on his journey (being very careful not to be he was obviously doing important work and didn't need his Mommy checking up on him).
He was cupping both hands in front of him as he walked, being very careful not to spill the water he held in them ... maybe two or three tablespoons were held in his tiny hands.
I sneaked close as he went into the woods. Branches and thorns slapped his little face, but he did not try to avoid them.
He had a much higher purpose. As I leaned in to spy on him, I saw the most amazing site.
Several large deer loomed in front of him. Billy walked right up to them. I almost screamed for him to get away. A huge buck with elaborate antlers was dangerously close.
But the buck did not threaten him...he didn't even move as Billy knelt down.
And I saw a tiny fawn lying on the ground; obviously suffering from dehydration and heat exhaustion, lift its head with great effort to lap up the water cupped in my beautiful boy's hand.
When the water was gone, Billy jumped up to run back to the house and I hid behind a tree.
I followed him back to the house to a spigot to which we had shut off the water.
Billy opened it all the way up and a small trickle began to creep out.
He knelt there, letting the drip, drip slowly fill up his makeshift "cup," as the sun beat down on his little back. And it came clear to me: The trouble he had gotten into for playing with the hose the week before.
The lecture he had received about the importance of not wasting water.
The reason he didn't ask me to help him.
It took almost twenty minutes for the drops to fill his hands. When he stood up and began the trek back, I was there in front of him. His little eyes just filled with tears. "I'm not wasting," was all he said. As he began his walk, I joined him...with a small pot of water from the kitchen.
I let him tend to the fawn. I stayed away. It was his job. I stood on the edge of the woods watching the most beautiful heart I have ever known working so hard to save another life.
As the tears that rolled down my face began to hit the ground, other drops...and more drops...and more suddenly joined them. I looked up at the sky.
It was as if God, himself, was weeping with pride.
Some will probably say that this was all just a huge coincidence.
Those miracles don't really exist.
That it was bound to rain sometime.
And I can't argue with that... I'm not going to try.
All I can say is that the rain that came that day saved our farm...just like the actions of one little boy saved another.
I don't know if anyone will read this...but I had to send it out.
To honor the memory of my beautiful Billy, who was taken from me much too soon... But not before showing me the true face of God, in a little, sunburned body.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great
anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled
down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her,
he replied...... " It's Lent ".
In tears, she sobbed, " Well, that is the most rediculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"