MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from
another Mr.Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your
husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimers and the other one tested
positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husbands."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I suppose to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

With Love From Me To You

With Love From Me To You
Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
by Pam Ayres.

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning,
It's natures revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing,
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe.
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,

I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and woman who had never met before, but who were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrased and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying............'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket, I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight...... let's pretend that we're married'.
' WOW!......... that's a great idea !' he exclaimed.
'Good', she replied.......... 'Get your own f%*king blanket.'
After a moment of silence,............ he farted.

Is this God.... long but please read, you'll be suprised.

It was one of the hottest days of the dry season.

We had not seen rain in almost a month.

The crops were dying. Cows had stopped giving milk.

The creeks and streams were long gone back into the earth.

It was a dry season that would bankrupt several farmers before it was through.

Every day, my husband and his brothers would go about the arduous process of trying to get water to the fields. Lately this process had involved taking a truck to the local water rendering plant and filling it up with water.

But severe rationing had cut everyone off.

If we Didn’t see some rain soon...we would lose everything.

It was on this day that I learned the true lesson of sharing and witnessed the only miracle I have seen with my own eyes.

I was in the kitchen making lunch for my husband and his brothers when I saw my Six-year-old son, Billy, walking toward the woods.

He wasn't walking with the usual carefree abandon of a youth but with a serious purpose. I could only see his back.

He was obviously walking with a great effort ... trying to be as still as possible. Minutes after he disappeared into the woods, he came running out again, toward the house.

I went back to making sandwiches; thinking that whatever task he had been doing was completed.

Moments later, however, he was once again walking in that slow purposeful stride toward the woods.

This activity went on for an hour: walking carefully to the woods, running back to the house.

Finally I couldn't take it any longer and I crept out of the house and followed him on his journey (being very careful not to be seen...as he was obviously doing important work and didn't need his Mommy checking up on him).

He was cupping both hands in front of him as he walked, being very careful not to spill the water he held in them ... maybe two or three tablespoons were held in his tiny hands.

I sneaked close as he went into the woods. Branches and thorns slapped his little face, but he did not try to avoid them.

He had a much higher purpose. As I leaned in to spy on him, I saw the most amazing site.

Several large deer loomed in front of him. Billy walked right up to them. I almost screamed for him to get away. A huge buck with elaborate antlers was dangerously close.

But the buck did not threaten him...he didn't even move as Billy knelt down.

And I saw a tiny fawn lying on the ground; obviously suffering from dehydration and heat exhaustion, lift its head with great effort to lap up the water cupped in my beautiful boy's hand.

When the water was gone, Billy jumped up to run back to the house and I hid behind a tree.

I followed him back to the house to a spigot to which we had shut off the water.

Billy opened it all the way up and a small trickle began to creep out.

He knelt there, letting the drip, drip slowly fill up his makeshift "cup," as the sun beat down on his little back. And it came clear to me: The trouble he had gotten into for playing with the hose the week before.

The lecture he had received about the importance of not wasting water.

The reason he didn't ask me to help him.

It took almost twenty minutes for the drops to fill his hands. When he stood up and began the trek back, I was there in front of him. His little eyes just filled with tears. "I'm not wasting," was all he said. As he began his walk, I joined him...with a small pot of water from the kitchen.

I let him tend to the fawn. I stayed away. It was his job. I stood on the edge of the woods watching the most beautiful heart I have ever known working so hard to save another life.

As the tears that rolled down my face began to hit the ground, other drops...and more drops...and more suddenly joined them. I looked up at the sky.

It was as if God, himself, was weeping with pride.

Some will probably say that this was all just a huge coincidence.

Those miracles don't really exist.

That it was bound to rain sometime.

And I can't argue with that... I'm not going to try.

All I can say is that the rain that came that day saved our farm...just like the actions of one little boy saved another.

I don't know if anyone will read this...but I had to send it out.

To honor the memory of my beautiful Billy, who was taken from me much too soon... But not before showing me the true face of God, in a little, sunburned body.

THE BLONDE THAT MARRIED A CATHOLIC.

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great
anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled
down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her,
he replied...... " It's Lent ".
In tears, she sobbed, " Well, that is the most rediculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

SHORT AND SOMETIMES SWEET......

Bit of a bummer... The World in Brief.
A 48-year-old man dangled upside-down from a chairlift for 15 minutes without trousers and underpants at Vail, Colorado, after the fold-down seat was not in the correct lowered-down position. He fell through the gap as he got on the high-speed lift. Onlookers rushed to take mobile phone pictures of the man's posterior.

In Brief...
A GYM in London has replaced its dumbells with human weights... including midgets who
shout encouragement to motivate excercise. They introduced the bizarre regime with human
weights ranging from 155kg man to a 30kg female midget.
The human dumbbells wear black leotards with their weights printed across their chests.
WHAT NEXT!!!!!

IN BRIEF......
We were told a while back that a glass of wine a day was good for the heart... all the heart attack patients went on winery tours to find a nice glass of the grape to help strengthen their hearts.
WELL, now we are being told a SMALL glass of wine a day can more than DOUBLE the risk of cancer.. a study has claimed.
It says consuming one 125ml glass of wine increases the chance of developing mouth and throat cancer by 168%.
Small daily doses of alcohol were the most harmful.The cause is above all the transformation of ethanol in alcohol to acetaldehyde, which damages DNA....... oh well. another headache!!!

HOW TO COOK AN EGG!!!

If you want to know how hot it got during the bushfires........

There are five chooks and they live in a chicken coop about 20m from the family home at Buxton.

The house burnt down in the fires, but the coop, survived, though the flames reached right up to the wire fence.
The chooks owner, Anne said, "Those five chooks kept laying, but the really incredible thing is that, when we cracked open the eggs, they were hard."

They had cooked in their shells!!